J. Michael McDade

Honest, open and sometimes courageous conversations about freedom, life, love and God.

Caretaker-A Lonely Life

By 3 Comments

Were you taught to be a dreamer?

Were you taught you were special?

Do you realize or recognize that your desires are important?

I never was taught this by my parents, the education system, our current form of government or my church body. I was taught to be a cog in the wheel; I was taught to be a caretaker.

One of the parts of unraveling my life that I have despised the most was the realization I was a caretaker. John Eldredge said it best, “The worst thing that can happen to us as men is when the false self is successful”. My caretaking made me a successful manager, and has helped me rise to the top of almost every organization that I have ever been involved with.

It really is easier to take care of everyone else’s needs isn’t it? The internal psyche of a caretaker says, “If I am focused on them, I don’t have to focus on myself”. If you are a caretaker, you know how hard it is to ask for someone to take care of your needs. I know it is for me; uncovering my own dreams and aspirations has been even harder. I was never taught how to dream, how to aspire to be more, or how to reach for something I desire. Even as I write these words, I can feel the churning of anxiety in my stomach. “What do you want?” is a question that shames most of us more than we can handle, so we would rather ask others, “What do you need me to do for you?” That is much easier, isn’t it?

There are two aspects of being a caretaker that really end up harming others: being controlling and being critical. The biggest issue with being a caretaker is that what you are really doing is controlling others. You are getting what you want (avoiding your own needs) by actually doing for others, but this leads to a shallow existence because you never reach deep into your on soul to uncover your desires. You can become important to others because they can’t make it without you, but is the real purpose of life importance?

The second thing that being a caretaker does is it turns loving people (caretakers) into critics. It is easy to become critical of others if you are doing everything for everyone. It allows others to be less responsible and you to be more responsible, which leads to bitterness and contempt. Criticism becomes our release valve for the bitterness and contempt that grows in our souls, but it never releases enough pressure. Just below the surface bitterness and contempt brew, and the caretaker wrestles with the pressure to please everyone. I have noticed this is a place that many women find themselves when they have a husband, a career and a couple of kids to take care of. Many women that I have counseled have used this line in my office: “I don’t even know who I am anymore.” This is not life; this is existence.

The next few blogs are going to be committed to helping my fellow caretakers become better leaders, fathers, mothers and spouses, but more importantly, to help unlock the life that you may have never tasted, a life of desire.

If you know someone who is a caretaker share this blog with them. It may change their life.

Thanks for reading my stuff! Hope you have a great day!

 

Just Listen Son

By Leave a Comment

For some reason prayer has become something I am very interested in understanding over the last year. I have had the privilege of being taught by some people who I would consider prayer warriors. These people have taught me a lot about prayer, but I have begun to wonder at a deeper level what is actually heard by God, and how really should we be doing this thing we call prayer.

The real question I have in my mind that I can’t grasp the significance of is corporate prayer. Every weekend tons of people are involved in corporate prayer. I meet with two groups each week to pray, but I am beginning to wonder about how effective it really is for what we pray about. We seem to use God like an eternal slot machine that is there to provide us with requests for whatever we deem necessary for our lives. Jesus doesn’t seem to address this message but once in scripture; actually, He seems to discount the corporate prayer thing. So is it just for show when a preacher prays on TV, radio or within his own congregation? For some of them I am sure their hearts are in the right place, but for others not so much, so are we doing what Jesus actually instructed us to do?

I am not just bashing the establishment. People ask me to pray for them all of the time. Sometimes I remember, but many times I have forgotten to do it. Then I lie to them when they ask have you been praying for me. Oh Yea! Every day I have been praying for you. Sound familiar?  I hate to admit that part, but it is true. I am not doing this anymore.

I have also seen a prayer chain of people (locked hands) with super strong faith heal someone who was really sick. It was amazing, but most people don’t believe it can happen, so it doesn’t happen much. They accuse you of being psycho to keep you in line. This part is sad because it seems to be something that we have the power to do if we just believe in it.

Prayer is really confusing. How do you do it? What is really effective?

I decided to go to the source.

“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth; they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. This then is how you should pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be thy name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we have also forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.”-Jesus

Why in the room (closet)? Why such few words? If God already knows, why bother?

Because he wants a relationship with you, He wants you to listen to Him. He wants your trust. I get it now God, “Just listen, Son”! Trust my will for your life.

I would love to hear your feedback on prayer!

Accountability

By Leave a Comment

If you know me well or have kept up with my writing through the years, you know I hate the word accountability. My despise for accountability comes from being involved with church groups called accountability groups. I have found most of them to be as shallow as a tadpole puddle. Nothing much gets accomplished in these groups because they refuse to go deep, but that ‘s another story.

I was talking with a good friend the other day about how both of us feel the need to be in charge. In the middle of the conversation, she said, “I know I can trust me to get it done.” That line made me sit back in my seat. I knew somewhere deep in my soul I had made an agreement with this statement. I had made a decision not to trust others to come through for me.

Asking to have your needs met by others is hard; not trusting them to come through after you have asked is psychological suicide.

What does this have to do with accountability?

Glad you asked!

If you are friends with me on Facebook you know I post my weight every day. I remember the first day I posted I weighed 258.6 pounds. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and mad at myself, but I chose to trust the process. My friend Alan Thomas had challenged me to join his group to get healthy called the Extreme Accountability Challenge. I almost didn’t do it because of the name of the group.

I have lost over 30 pounds at this point, and I feel better than I have in years. However, the biggest benefit for me is I have people pulling for me, encouraging me and holding me accountable. Some of these people I don’t even know personally. I forced my self to trust these people no matter what happened.

Thank God for accountability!

I am reframing my experience of the word accountability through this group.

Trust and Accountability are kindred spirits-If you want to change find someone to be accountable too.

Chipmunk Roommate

By Leave a Comment

I woke up early this morning full of energy and ready for a long weekend. I have a shop behind my house where I work on cars and do other projects, so after I finished my morning chores I headed down to the shop to piddle around. When I opened the door I noticed a big chipmunk darting from the middle of the floor to some pallets I keep in the back. Now if you know me well you know that anything that closely resembles a mouse is my nemesis. I told him, “Buddy, you are going to have to find a new home.” I did not give the comment or the chipmunk another thought after that, and I started working on my mustang. I finally got my car running, so I let the top down and hopped in and sped away for a much-anticipated ride in my convertible.

A few minutes into my ride I remembered I don’t have insurance on the car, so I headed home. As I arrived, I noticed the back door was slightly open. I didn’t think anything about it until 30 minutes later.

I was frying eggs on the stove when Sandra stumbled down the hall from her slumber. I am a morning person and she is a night owl. She looked at me with this confused look and said, “there is a chipmunk in our bathroom.”

What???

I asked her, “Are you sure?” Which was a dumb question because I live with Dr. Doolittle. She knows what a chipmunk looks like.

I told her the story about what happened in my shop that morning. I told her that I told him he was going to have to find a new house. She said back to me, “Well, it is not going to be my house!”

We sat down together and devised a strategy. She would wear the leather gloves and try to catch the beast, and if it got by her I would catch it in a small garbage can. What happened next you couldn’t have scripted better (a very funny comedy). She reached down calmly and the chipmunk darted between her legs and straight at me. Instead of putting the garbage can down on the chipmunk I squealed like a little girl and he ran right over my feet into our bedroom. Sandra said, ” What the hell, you are suppose to catch him in the garbage can.” He darted in the closet and then under the bed. That is when we knew we were in trouble.

After a few minutes of wondering how we were going to solve this dilemma, for some reason he darted back into the bathroom. My guess was he thought he could escape that way. We repeated the same process we had devised originally, and I was able to put the can down on top of him and capture the beast. Needless to say my anxiety level is pretty high as I write this morning. We slid a piece of cardboard under the garbage can and turned the can over. We walked outside and we let him go in our backyard.

The moral of the story is:

I haven’t a damn clue!!! Someone please tell me!

 

 

Rock Star

By Leave a Comment

A Blues guitarist jammimg on stage with stage lighting.

Recently I pulled into a strip mall in North Atlanta to get a Subway sandwich for lunch. Pearl Jam’s song Jeremy interrupted my mission, forcing me to sit and reflect as I listened. I love the lyrics of Pearl Jam’s music; it stirs the deeper regions of my soul.

Soon my thoughts took me back to a time in my living room back home in Mississippi. Me and my best friend at the time and two girls from our high school were home alone jamming to Aerosmith. With tennis rackets in hand, we danced around the room jumping from the furniture like we were on stage at Madison Square Garden. Our guitar solos were blistering as we leaned back until we fell to the floor playing our hearts out on our homemade Fender guitars.

I think the girls thought we were crazy, but for me this was serious business. Deep in my heart I really wanted to be a Rock Star!! I longed to be the front man like Steven Tyler or Robert Plant. I longed to be recognized as someone special. My insecurities kept me from ever taking the stage.

The longings to be a rock star seemed selfish and prideful: my culture, my upbringing, and especially my religion told me that these longings were not godly.

God loves to be worshipped doesn’t He?

Is He selfish?

The tears streaming down my cheeks that day listening to the vocals (lyrics) of Eddie Vetter touched my heart strings, and they made me realize that these longings are not ungodly.

The longings to be appreciated, affirmed, trusted, admired and maybe even worshipped are a deep seated piece of all of us, and maybe even how we project the image of God. I know when I speak in front of a group of men sometimes I walk off the stage and have to ask others what I said. It seems that God just takes over. I become his mouth piece. My glory is His glory. Mine is not as big, but somehow they are connected. Don’t discount the Rock Star who lives inside of you!

I am a “Rock Star”, and so are you!